Empty shell

Pour suivre le blog précédant où Julius et Cédric nous faisaient part de ce qu'ils pensent, voici Yasmina! Désolée pour ceux qui n'aime pas mon anglais; mais, comme on dit, je ne ferai jamais de progrès si je ne pratique pas! LOL Je l'ai écrit en écoutant le ending theme du film Resident Evil. Alors, si vous voulez vous mettre dans l'ambiance, mettez cette musique de fond! (espérant que vous l'avez!)
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Now I know ‘who’ I really am : no one. A thing; created to satisfy some fantasy.

Actually, I would have liked to not know any of that. Yet, that makes me understand a bit why a felt kind of ‘attached’ to Akira: we could consider ourselves as... brother and sister, I dare say. What else could I call that situation of ours? Now that I know he’s coming back for this tournement, I will be able to keep my promis and help him know what he really is. I would have kept it for myself, but I know he will not stop searching til he finds ‘what’ he is. So, no point in making him struggle BEFORE knowing as well; I’ll just spill the beans. Maybe he has learned it already...

So, all that new informations could be real... or not! I’ll have to check on the only source I could reach at the moment (or forever as well): Christinia. After that, I’ll decided who I’ll hate the most : the guilde or Belial. Cause, if that is all true, he had kind of... the rights to have what’s his back. But then: why didn’t he?! Why did he let me flew away?

And there come lot more of questions...

Like : if I’m made of that many evils, demons and all, why can I feel the way I do? Why do I suffer to be what I am? Why did I learned how to feel? Wouldn’t I be more effective if I didn’t?

In that way of thinking: I’m begginning to feel strange around Wein... and I just don’t understand why! Or even what it is... He’s soooooo.... I can’t even described him. Except that he: is not good at explaining his feelings (nor I), looking childish and very generous; too well intended for his own goods! But that explains not what or why I feel. I even let myself cry before him and ended up in his arms! How the hell could that happened?! For the first time in my life, I care about what someone’s thinking of me... At least, I ‘think’ I care. I’m not sure of anything...

Is there no God?! Are all those teachings, that I’ve learned and followed the most I could, wrong? I feel like an empty shell... who’ll never be filled. Beside Wein, I feel even more filty cause of his pureness. With all recent events, I should close myself up, train, see no one (to not created more... ‘attached’), etc. But I feel as I ‘need’ someone beside me.

A paradox is entering my life; a paradox I would never have think could touch me: the more I feel about Wein (or anyone), the more I want him near... But the more he’s near, the more I put him in danger; so, the more I struggle about it! Is it a no way out situation? Is it why the guilde teached its members not to have attachments, or was it just with me, for what I am?

I envy (a first as well) Anima; I learned from her that she has lost her family and has no more home. But still, she had one once. And she still has Cecil, Wein and the kids who seemed to like her a lot. What did I get... ever? And if I got something, what it real or fake? Even my master, Inoe.... Didier! Where they all fake with me? I feel like crying again. Am I that weak? Or is it strenght, like one said once, to have feelings and let it out?

Time will tell, they say. But what if there’s no time?! I’m in the most urging hurry I ever lived... and it’s about understanding! Just fight physically would have been refreshing, but there’s no easy exit on this one, I guess. I so wanna die! But then, that Rune guy says that I can’t.
I’m just a tool; the only choice I get to do is WHOSE I’ll be. Or maybe I don’t even have that choice. If the things get more mixed, I think I’ll choose to go to Belial himself and hope he will answer my questions before he kills me... if he does want to kill me. Yes, maybe I should go see Belial....